A dog post from Nidhi

Here is a poster and a presentation Nidhi made. Let me know what you think of it and if you like it.

A year gone by

I cannot believe it has been a year since any update on this blog. And what a year it has been! N is now 7 years old and the changes that I saw when she became 6 have become more pronounced, she has become a person of her own, and yet continues to have her wisdom. Y is growing up too, but she still retains her funny comical innocent spirited side :)

Today's conversation as we were coming back from dance class was about lottery tickets. She wanted to know what those strips of paper were and we had a conversation about them. We talked about how this is similar or different from the folks looking for the golden ticket in Charlie and the chocolate factory (the movie we showed for N's 7th birthday, her first movie), and how perhaps charlie bucket was different in that he was not greedy for the golden ticket. I wondered aloud what would have happened if charlie bucket did not get the golden ticket and N said - maybe Willy Wonka would have let him in anyway since he was such a caring boy, not at all greedy. So much hope! And oh well, so much for the discussion on greed because after a few minutes, we spot lollipops in the shop nearby and N is literally pushing me to get them for her. The seeds of craving exist in all of us :) And I wonder what turns a craving into greed.

Many many conversations about life, living, death, birth, plants, animals, things, people. The emotional world is becoming much more alive and in the last few weeks and months I am becoming more aware of the need for me to be more fully present emotionally for her. Sibling fights, laughs, sharings, dramas - all unfolding. the joy, the shrieks, the laughs, the cries, and much more of our two girls fill our lives, hearts, minds and breath.

Flying with wings

My little bundle turned 6 last December and suddenly she seems to be a little adult of her own. Nidhi always had clarity on what she wanted to do and what she did not (well, as a 2.5 year old she said she did not want to leave me and go to school, everyday till I heard her and said alright, I hear you and pulled her out of school). And so as we were planning our trip to Mumbai to visit my mom, my brother and my sis-in-law, and their pet dog Pebbles, Nidhi said she wanted to stay back with them. She kept saying that she wants to come back only for a few days and go back and continue to stay with them for a longer period of time, until my mom came to stay with us!

So in mid March we reached Mumbai and she continued to stick by her decision. Everyday, I would ask her if she was sure she wanted to say back, in which case I needed to cancel her return ticket and she would tell me that she wanted to stay back. The way she bonded with everyone – her uncle/aunt (mama/mami), her patti, and pebbles just left me in awe. Especially her affection and attachment with Pebbles. And finally 2 days before our return journey, I cancelled her ticket.

For a very short while, just before Yukti and I were about to leave Nidhi felt a little sad about having to stay back without me. She told me so clearly – “amma, I want to be with you, I want to be in Sholayoor, but I also want to be here with patti, mama, mami in Mumbai. I don’t know what to do. But I know I have to stay back because you cancelled my ticket and asked me before doing it.” My heart broke. How articulate she was yet again! She has always amazed me with her clarity as a child, and she continues to do so!  She asked to be read, sitting next to me, cuddled up. And we read a few stories. Just an hour before we left.

And for that short while I wondered if I had made the right decision by canceling her return ticket with us, and whether she would be ok if I left her behind. Just sitting there with her, hugging her, allowing her to experience her sadness fully and allowing myself to experience my inner chaos fully in my embrace with her, eased everything.

And as I left with Yukti that night from Mumbai, she said a beautiful bye – Bye Amma, hugging me and yukti so beautifully and joyfully. And without saying anything more, she conveyed she would be fine and actually have a lot of fun. And what fun she is having, in the presence of three wonderful adults – her mami, mama, and patti, and wonderful Pebbles. My daughter has grown and come of her own. I feel joy and a tinge of sadness underlying all of which is a deep well of affection for this wonderful soul who has found her way into our lives. Blessed are we and I pray for the universe to guide us to do right by her.

And thanks to mama, mami, peblu and patti for being the ones with whom Nidhi has spent her first long time away from her parents. You are special for her. And for us too J. She has a special place for a) her patti who tells her stories to no end, and does not hesitate to go on until late night telling stories, b) For her mami who is always enthusiastic to do craft, art, hand work, games, walks, you name it, everything under the sun and who spends hours baking, crafting, gaming, books, watching videos, chatting, teaching her reading/writing/math, pedicure, manicure, mehendi, gardening, and so on. Nidhi and her mami remind me of two children having a lot of fun, playing, fighting at times, but always making up since the fun is more important than the fights J Two friends of yore J. And for mama who is special because he is amma’s only brother and her only mami’s only husband ;-) And for all the trips they plan, the hikes, the resorts, the food and everything else that a summer vacation is made of. For Pebbles who is her companion. Words cannot express the bond they share!

And when Nidhi comes back from Mumbai, there is going to be a special post in her own words about the time she spent in Mumbai. So watch out for that J

A year along: Dance, marriage and characters

I think one of the things that is the highlight of Nidhi's last year is her obsession with dance and the characters. Every dance there is at least one female character that she connects with and wants to go say hi/bye to her. And every villainous character daunts her. The change in the tone of the music and she knows something sad is about to happen. She is very sensitive to the moods depicted on stage. And in a year just by watching she has picked up many many steps and moves and the rhythms. It is almost like her life revolves around music, dance and movement. But she enjoys other things to. Being silly, playing with her sister, on the sand, in water. But when she is watching dance I see her deeper self, so absorbed, engrossed, one with the characters on the stage. There is something there. Today she said she wanted to be dance teacher and also a queen. And she said when i grow up, I will decide. I said, u can decide and you can be more than one too. 

Of all the characters she has encountered so far, she connects to Sita very strongly at the moment. Shiva and parvati she likes. But Sita is who she connects to. She feels her joy at being married to rama, her sadness at being forcefully taken by ravana, her longing while she waits for rama, her joy at seeing him, her sadness at rama doubting her, and her joy at finally coming back to Ayodhya as queen, and again the sadness of being separated from Rama, a sense of safety at reaching valmiki's ashram, and the deep anguish when she meets rama again and finally decides to go back to her mother earth. Everytime we read the ramayana and the story of luv and kush, nidhi cries, has questions to ask. Questions and statements also emerge during the course of the day and in some other conversation. "Why did ravana take her forecefully? it is not ok to do that." "why did rama not want her, and leave her again?", "why did shoorpanaka want to marry rama?", etc. The other day she said when she grows up she wants to change her name to Sita and she wants her husband to change his name to Rama. Simultaneously the idea of marriage is being figured out. This has again been happening for about 8-9 months now. And she is fine-tuning her idea of who she wants to get married to, how she will find who to get married to, etc. My cousin is getting married in a couple of months and she is fascinated by the entire process and is asking her a lot of questions too. So much so that Nidhi feels shy (with a tinge of fear) when she sees my cousin's fiance! 

Also trying to figure out the reality or pretended-ness of the characters on stage. What will they do when they go from here? are they really sita or rama? is the mother on stage her real mother? where is her real mother? where will this mother go? etc. Much processing and making sense of the world. No wonder theater, performances, music and dance bring alive what is within us. I am so grateful to Nidhi, because of her I have watched so many dances, dramas and it has brought alive much within me as well. The child in me feels alive. The next step is to start acting with her I think and get on stage :) 

At times nidhi wants to dress up, at times she is so totally clued out of her appearance and dress sense :) Unbound energy and spirit children are if we let them be. I am enjoying this phase of her. She is growing up too quickly! 

Introducing Yukti

We now have a little baby at home, my younger sister, Yukti. She is 2 years old. I really like that she is home, it is a lot of fun. We went to Dhule to adopt her and brought her home. First we went to Mumbai by plane, we stayed at my mama, mami's place for 3 days. Then we took a taxi to the train station and took a night train. I fell asleep and in the morning we went in the car to a restaurant (hotel). Then I woke up and we got ready and went to where Yukti was. There were 4 other children, young ones, younger than Yukti. And we brought Yukti back to the restaurant, gave her a bath, gave her food, took her to the doctor, he checked her, she cried and then we came back to Mumbai. And took the plane back and came home. Now, we make kanji for her, food for her, I play with her and I help take care of her whenever amma asks me to help.

And here is a picture of me carrying her

And oh, Amma says she is also trying to see if Yukti can get a blog of her own. She is doing so many interesting things you know.

Turtle talk

We were at the beach a few days back and saw a dead turtle and nidhi was full of questions.
How did the turtle die, what could have happened? I told her she may have hurt herself in a fishing net or a trawler and she wanted the turtle to escape from the net. I said maybe she escaped but hurt herself in the process and could not survive. I told her that mother turtles come to the beach to lay eggs and go back into the ocean. And when the baby turtle hatch they run to the sea and swim. She wanted to know how the baby turtles will find the mother turtle? And what they will eat? And after all this heavy serious conversation, she was playing in the sand for a long time.

No time like the present :)

October 17, 2013: Nidhi and I were visiting Rishi Valley for some work with another friend of mine, Kavitha. At the dinner table the following "casual" conversation ensued, while many others were eating, chatting, and talking. Kavitha was sitting opposite us and was witness to the entire conversation.

N: Who is my amma?

A: I am your amma (I sort of had an inclination of where this was going)

N: No, who is my thoppai amma? What is her name?

A: I don’t know her name. I have not seen her since she left you at banabasi before we brought you home. We will have to ask Rabi uncle or surekha didi if they know.

N: When will we go there?

A: I don't know kanna

N: Then how will I ask him?

A: We can call him up and ask him

N: Ok, I’ll ask Rabi uncle for her name.

A: Ok. [After a pause] So, why do you ask me for her name?

N: Because I don’t know her name and I have not seen her. I want to know her name.

There ended the matter! I felt very very emotional, a sense of joy, love welling up in me. 

Any time and place is fine for such conversations :)