Entering the world of adults

Long before Nidhi came into our lives, I got interested in how children learn, grow, and develop physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I soaked up on the writings of several people. The writings and work of Maria Montessori at the early childhood ages continues to amaze and inspire me. Whether the present day Montessori schools follow her vision and idea of what she thought children need is another question. But anyone with a child must read some of her original writing, several of which are available on Amazon or Flipkart.

But back to what I wanted to say here. Montessori's basis was respect for the child who is entering the adult world and in the process of becoming one. In order to support this process, two of the many things that Montessori insisted on is

1) To create a physical space for children within the adult's world, so that they can become independent and learn to do things on their own, which they anyway want to do (as anyone with a toddler would know!) That is why many adults feel disoriented when they enter the classrooms in a Montessori based school since most furniture is at the child's eye or body level, materials are kept in a way that children can access them on their own without any help from adults, and so on.
2) To listen to children and provide them with what they need and not what we know! Often in a rush to respond to children we keep telling them what we know or want of them instead of listening to them and doing what they need at that moment. This needs a separate post perhaps, but I will try to address some bits of it below.

In our parenting journey so far we have tried to provide both these opportunities for Nidhi as much as possible (I may have not been able to do when I am tired, or exhausted, and there have been those days!)

When Nidhi started becoming more mobile and walking, exploring various cupboards, opening them and closing them, we decided to create a space that was for her toys and books. We cleared out the bottom shelves of our bookcase and filled it with her books (which on last count numbered about 50 or so and she loves reading each one of them). We showed her how to open and close the book case and she learned that very quickly. Very soon, we noticed that she would point out to us if the book case was left open by any one of us and telling us to close it. A small change that we made in the physical space for her allowed her to be independent of which book she wanted to pick to be read to by us, open and close the bookcase herself, and also tell us of how we needed to close it if we opened it :) Her sensitivity for order was clearly visible!

We began to notice many other instances when her sensitivity to order and sequence became clear. For example, on one occasion, I went to visit a friend with Nidhi, and on our way back, my friend offered to carry the bag in which I kept Nidhi's essentials. Nidhi was in tears when she saw my friend carrying "her" bag and I told her that he was only helping us, but she was not at an age where she would understand it. I soon realized that her sense of "order," of who can carry her bag, had been disturbed. I said so to my friend, and I took the bag from him. Nidhi was now happy that I was carrying both Nidhi and her bag :) A very good Montessori friend of mine said that children have a sense of order of many different things - where they sleep, where they eat, where their parents sleep, when they go out, etc etc. And this sense of order is essential for them to make sense of the world around them.

As Nidhi is growing up and developing her language (a separate post on that as well is needed!), she is able to better express her sense of "order" and "disorder." Part of supporting children develop a sense of order is for us as adults to be sensitive to order as well. So for example when I have worn my "home" slippers and gone out in a rush, Nidhi would usually be the first one to notice it and point it to me. I would usually acknowledge that I forgot or that as soon as I go home I will change it etc. Similarly Nidhi knows that when dad goes to work he wears his helmet. The last few days Satish has been taking the car to work so she will promptly remind him that he has to wear his helmet and we have to tell her thanks for the reminder and that he needs the helmet when traveling by bike and not by car. How complicated, crazy, and inconsistent our adult world is for the child who is trying to create some sense and order out of it all!

The other thing that we have done is to tell Nidhi where we are going or taking her whenever we step out of the house - be it to visit friends, family, shops or the doctor. Nidhi is told where she is going. This is another part of showing respect for the child who is entering our world. Would we ever not tell an adult where we are taking him/her, or imagine how we would feel if we are whisked from place to place without being told or prepared for where we are going. Nidhi loves being told where we are going and usually she would repeat to herself where we are going, while we are going there. This does not need much effort or time from our end. We also tell her if we know someone is about to visit us today, so she knows who is coming.

The second point of listening to children and responding to them with what they need and not what we want or know is quite a difficult task for most of us. I will probably have to write a separate post on that one, but I will share an example of a simple incident that happened a couple of days ago and is fresh in my mind. We were visiting a friend and her daughter in our apartment. After a while Nidhi said she wanted to go (poonum in tamil). I went out and was helping her put on her sandals when she started kicking the sandals in an attempt to remove them and exclaiming dee, dee, dee, and I was confused and unable to understand what she wanted. I stopped for a minute, got up and looked in the direction she was looking (she was not even pointing!) and found that she was looking at a stuffed deer sitting on the sofa of the neighbor (opposite to my friend's) house. She freed herself of her slipper and went towards the deer, held it for a while and then went to see the pet birds they have in their house and having finished her quota of seeing all the "animals and birds" walked down happily with me. All this took an extra few minutes, but it was totally worth it :)

The more I listen to Nidhi, the more we are both at peace. But there are times when it is difficult for me to listen. I hope she forgives me for those times!